How to Raise Smart, Happy Kids

The no punishment, positive-reinforcement method of raising children

This guide is dedicated firstly, to my own parents, Leo, and Estelle — a police officer, and a homemaker/saleswoman, who loved me unconditionally, never punished me, and who gave me a happy, magical childhood, making it easy for me to do the same for my children. To them, I say thank-you.

And to my wonderful husband, and excellent father, Dave — imagine, still in love after 37 years of marriage…but that’s a whole ‘nother book.

And to my absolutely amazing children, both with hearts of gold. They are the personification, and embodiment of all that is beautiful in this world — my sons, Stuart and Elliot.

I wanted to write this guide because I believe there are many parents who actually may not want to punish their children, but don’t know what else to do. They have to be taught to think differently regarding children as being good or bad, and wanting to control their behavior, etc. Do I yell? Do I just ignore what they did? If I don’t hit them what do I do? There are parents who strongly believe that punishment, i.e. hitting, no allowance, no supper, no playtime, “time-out,” going to bed early, or something as extreme and abusive as soap in the mouth, etc. is the way to go. Children thrive in a positive, nurturing environment. My aim with this guide is based on my philosophy of child-rearing: accentuate the positive, and minimize the negative — always build up, never tear down. There is a wonderful poem by Dorothy Law Nolte, “Children Learn What They Live,” presenting the causes and effects we can create in life for our children. Some may say that fear is the greatest motivator. No, love is. Fear cripples, love empowers. Treat your child with the respect they deserve, and maybe avoid a life filled with misery. To adequately confront and deal with all that life throws at us requires inner strength, resolve, tenacity, resourcefulness, etc. But above all, a child must believe in themselves. Believe in them, and they will believe in themselves. Then nothing, and no one, can stand in their way. Ultimately, I hope the take-away from my no punishment, positive reinforcement method of child rearing will be a way to raise your child with a “look out world, here I come!” self-image. As your child’s parent/teacher, it’s your job to create in them a thirst for knowledge, and a curiosity about their world. A parent should never punish a child (or even a pet), punishment is predicated on fear, the fear of pain, emotional, and physical. And as I stated in my introduction, fear cripples. I cannot fathom how a child feels after having their mouth washed out with soap. Nothing, repeat nothing, is taught from this fear except to avoid the punishment at all costs and through whatever, often deceptive, means possible — usually lying. To punish is to say “you are bad.” If you were punished, or even badly abused, the cycle must be broken. It must end with you. No child is bad! Repeat! No child is bad. Ever. What the child did may have been wrong — so separate the child from the act. Use this moment as a teaching opportunity. I don’t believe in even punishing a dog, even though you can’t reason with them. But you can reason with a child. Explain what the child did was wrong, and correct it! Correct, and instruct, because you are the child’s teacher. The word discipline does not mean punishment, rather, it is derived from the word ‘disciple’- one who is a follower, a student of a teacher or leader. You set the example of a life well lived, your children are your disciples. So as their teacher, again, you correct and instruct. These lessons will be the tools your children will utilize as they incur challenges in life. After all, this is about them, not you! It is about you creating an environment in which you inculcate within the child self-motivation, self-discipline (to suggest self-control, and restraint), self-control, self-reliance, a sense of autonomy, and ultimately, self-love, not self-loathing. When you are told over and over again, “you are bad,” you begin to believe it. Lots of people don’t like themselves, psychiatry is big business (some emotional problems can occur on a sub-conscious level as well). Let’s go over my list beginning with:

1. Self-motivation — “Eat your carrots, or else.” Or else what? The kid gets a smack? Or goes to bed with no supper! Or what else? I suppose whatever other bit of pain you can inflict upon your child. Rather, you want to take this opportunity to explain to your child why they should eat their carrots. This is what separates us from lower life forms who are not able to reason. The mother dog has to give her puppy a nip to “keep him in line.” If Johnny doesn’t want his carrots, respect that. Always look at the bigger picture. Respecting Johnny not wanting his carrots is more important than the carrots’ ingestion itself. In summary, the motivation for Johnny’s carrot consumption will not come from your punishment, but from him deciding if he wants them following you providing him with a reason. This is part of helping your child to develop a sense of agency, or autonomy. Remember, this is about him, not you.

2. Self-control — I was on a check-out line at a drugstore with my son when he was about four years old. He wandered over to the area by the cashier where all the candy is. He came back to me and asked if he could look at the candies. I knew what he meant — explore them. This meant picking them up, and investigating them. I said, “Yes, but be sure to put everything back neatly.” Sure enough, he would pick up a candy, look at it, and put it back. He knew I believed in him to do this, he knew I trusted him, so he felt trustworthy. A woman behind me complimented me for doing this, and how such a young child would put back each candy. I told her it wasn’t about the candy, it was the larger picture of trust. I’ve seen over, and over where parents just blankety say, “don’t touch anything.” Huh? Why? Why can’t they touch anything? Message sent: you can’t be trusted to touch anything. So in summary, the parent saying “no” to Johnny is the controlling force, not Johnny. Rather, believe in Johnny, trust him, and he will believe in himself. Are you seeing a theme here? He will be exercising self-control. Remember, don’t do a disservice to the child. It’s about him not you.

3. Self-discipline — Through reasoning, your child will be able to exercise self-discipline, control and restraint. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard a parent say to their child in the supermarket, “You’re bad, if you don’t stop, you’re going home to bed.” Wow! Doesn’t everyone want a negative association with sleep? Or, “We’re not going to grandma’s if you touch anything again.” This, instead of providing the child with the reason he should, or should not, do something, and believing in his good judgement, so as to build his self-confidence and ultimately self-discipline. The parent, rather, admonished the child and proceeded to demonstrate to him that he is not capable of controlling himself and must be threatened with punishment to control him — they will discipline, punish him. It’s all about the parent’s power over the child. To emphasize their power…is to minimize his. The message is loud and clear, and they are diminishing his sense of self, and ultimately, self-worth.

4. Self-reliance — I talk about a sense of autonomy. Autonomy is a sense of independence, a feeling that you can self-govern. By developing in a child a belief in himself as a competent, trustworthy, lovable, special, wonderful, capable individual, you set the foundation for all that I have discussed: self-motivation, not the parental “do it or else,” self-control, not the parental “don’t do it or else,” and self-discipline, not the parental “do as you’re told, or else.” Ultimately, the objective as the child matures, is self-reliance. As the child grows, and becomes an adult, if he has been fortunate enough to have had parents who believed in him, and the goodness and wonderfulness of him, he will possess a sense of self-love, as opposed to self- loathing. I wanted to write this guide, because through the years I have heard so many mothers lament, “I can’t control him,”or, “he’s out of control.” Give him the tools to be his own person, and develop a positive sense of self. There are many ways to show trust. But before I go on describing the different opportunities to make your child feel trustworthy, it is important that you allow yourself to believe with all your heart that your child is your equal. When Stuart and Elliot were babies I would talk to them as a friend. As is the case with a dog, even though they don’t understand every word, they hear your inflection, your intonation, your kindness, and they see your facial expressions. And remember, one heart feels the other. I shudder when I hear parents say “don’t be their friend, be their parent.” No! If you’re not their best friend, someone else will be. A best friend doesn’t mean sitting and smoking dope with your kids — it means you have their back, you’re there for them, no matter what. They can come to you, no matter what. Knowing they won’t be punished, they don’t have to lie, or deceive you to avoid punishment/pain. With unconditional love, they know they can come to you for help, without fear. That’s a friend. This kind of relationship with a parent builds character. Their friends won’t believe they don’t get punished — they’ll all wish you people were their parents! My children’s friends did! As far as school is concerned, life is not ‘a la carte.’ A child can’t be raised in an environment that fostered a negative self-image, and then be expected to do well, or his best, in school and elsewhere. Perhaps they’ll achieve academically, but it may be with no joy, just obligation. A joy for life, joie de vivre, is priceless. However, more often than not, the child cannot blossom because they, again, suffer from low self esteem. This may manifest as rebelliousness or introvertedness. Often sad becomes mad, and “tough.” It’s not “hip” to act sad, but it’s easier, in a sense, to be “mad at the world,” and act “tough,” when in fact, they’re hurting, and mad at their parents for treating them unfairly and disrespectfully at home. They’re mad, and they”ll take it out on the world, or themselves — it’s called displacement — kind of like the boss doesn’t give you a raise, and you go home and kick the dog. Some kids with a low self-image become self-destructive, born of self-hate, or to punish their parents. You can’t order-up positive school performance from a child, pre-teen, or teenager, or demand they stay away from drugs, alcohol, etc., like you would order up a ham sandwich! A positive life comes from a life of acceptance, understanding, encouragement, and joyfulness. Being raised in an environment of loving correction and instruction produces an individual who wants to do their best, who gets satisfaction from, and enjoys, a job well done. If a child experienced positive feedback, and encouragement to explore his world, rather than being admonished by being told, “don’t touch, don’t touch, don’t touch” because you cannot be trusted to do so, he develops ambition, and curiosity. Good grades can be just that and nothing more — an obligation. Or, they can be a manifestation of ambition, and a naturally, organically formed work ethic. We want good grades from our child to be as a result of having developed a sense of pride in oneself, to be a manifestation of their deriving joy from a job well done — the joy of accomplishment. This is the human condition…people want to achieve for themselves because it feels so good, it is so rewarding, not because we’re told, “Come home with an ‘A’, or don’t come home.”

My sons came from a positive environment, but I told them I’d rather they come home with a “happy B,” than a “sad A.” Why? Because the letter grade is only part of the school learning experience. They should enjoy the process as well. My son knew a boy who played violin, and played very well. He was forced to practice almost every day, and for long hours. The problem was, he said he didn’t enjoy it. Sad. Of course, how much more beautifully he would have played had he enjoyed it. Love and kindness are truly the greatest motivators. You can threaten your child with punishment if they don’t take their instrument lessons, but the experience of playing when you love it, is an unparalleled motivator. In terms of musical instrument lessons, or any kind of lessons — ballet, karate, history of one’s culture, etc., sometimes these after school lessons are a nightmare for kids. I wouldn’t want my child to just say no to taking these lessons without making sure that he really, genuinely, does not like them at all. So I would suggest he go for two weeks, and if after that time he still did not like it, he doesn’t have to go anymore. He may become proficient at the piano, but hate it — not the goal. India’s Taj Mahal was built as a memorial, and symbol for the love of a wife. Would it have looked so beautiful if the husband demanded, or ordered the architect to design him something immensely beautiful, or he’d have his head? No, of course not.

Now, as concerns kids cleaning their room — some people, it seems are neat by nature. I always liked things in my environment neat — others, not so much. Some people are downright sloppy. Some people might be messy/sloppy due to a “reaction formation” — after being told over, and over again to be a certain way, or act a certain way, a child of any age may want to assert themselves, and react exactly the opposite way, a rebellion. But barring a reaction formation, the fair and respectful thing to do when raising your child is to acknowledge their space. If they want a messy room, who cares? It’s their room — they should have agency over their own room. Again, it’s their room, not your’s. Period. Along those same lines, in terms of making their bed, again, why should they make their bed? To teach responsibility? No. It only teaches them that you want their bed made. That all important sense of responsibility is something grown organically by how you inculcate within them a positive sense of self. Flowing from that will be a desire to be the best them they can be — a desire to be productive, so that they may achieve a sense of satisfaction from a job well done. It may include making their bed, or it may not. A work ethic isn’t ordered up like a ham sandwich by telling a kid to mow the lawn, or make his bed. Having been a product of a positive environment will provide the foundation for the child to want to cut the lawn because he wants to be a contributing member of the family. Again, this desire is born from living in a positive home environment which was conducive to such a healthy mental growth and development process. So, if your child has the naturally obtained work ethic emanating from a positive upbringing, who cares if he makes his damn bed? You make it! I did!, and my sons both have very strong work ethics.

As concerns an allowance, hmm… Nope! No allowance. Why, you ask? Well, because. If your child is a contributing member of the family unit, then he will want to do his share of what needs to be done. A good deed is its own reward. If he needs money, give. It won’t be an unreasonable amount because he was raised to be a sensible, thoughtful, intelligent, thinking, reasonable person. Oh, by the way, when you are getting little Johnny his money, remember, let him get it out of your wallet. To show that level of trust…is priceless. It means that he’s trustworthy!

As concerns the concept of “spoiling” a child — so, kids are not milk, they don’t spoil! Children will be demanding for things if that is what they received in place of affection. Material things then represent caring, so that is what they demand…stuff.

As far as a child being “good” or “bad,” so, “If you’re good, you’ll get a lollipop.” Sound familiar? Well, there are two things wrong here. First of all, a child isn’t good or bad. As I stated in the introduction, you must separate the child from the act. What they did may have been wrong. If Johnny spills milk, well he isn’t bad for spilling the milk, just clean it up with him. If it’s not an accident, then this child may be trying to get his parents’ attention by acting out. Any, and all concerns you have regarding your child, should be discussed with your pediatrician, or health care provider to rule out anything medical. Otherwise, minimize the negative, and accentuate the positive. Simply say, “Hey buddy, let’s clean this up!” Again, never, ever tell a child he is bad, he will believe he is. And that is bad. So, behaviors are never punished, or rewarded. Rewards are offered at contests, or for returning a lost item, etc., etc., but when raising a child, don’t offer rewards as incentive for a behavior, or achievement. Praise is the invaluable reward. Don’t bribe a child with a material reward. A child raised in a positive and encouraging environment isn’t told to be good — because children are neither good nor bad — rather, they will want to conduct themselves in such a manner so that they will feel good about themselves, and try their best. They are developing self-control, and self-discipline. Again, everything flows from living in a positive environment, and developing a strong sense of self. And forget the word “behave.” Soldiers, hair, and dogs behave. Children conduct themselves in accordance to how much respect they have received. Build up, don’t tear down. Believe in their wonderfulness. If kids feel good about themselves, they will do their best to conduct themselves in a manner to make you proud. You won’t have to order them to “behave.” As if rewarding “good” behavior wasn’t bad enough, a food reward (remember the lollipop?) is downright dangerous. To associate food with feeling good about yourself can create a bad relationship with food. Imagine as an adult, wanting to feel good about yourself, and reaching for a donut? Again, the child isn’t good or bad, no rewards or punishment. Commend Johnny for a job well done. Separate the child from the act. Accentuate the positive, minimize the negative. Nothing is more important than Johnny feeling good about himself. When Stuart and Elliot were little, I had to ignore all the warnings of impending “horrors” of childhood by well-meaning, “experienced” mothers, like “temper tantrums,” or “the terrible two’s.” Never just accept as truths everything you are told by well-meaning, “experienced” parents. Young children don’t have temper tantrums, out of control adults do. Very young children — toddlers — are not yet able to articulate what is bothering them, so they act out with their whole bodies, it’s all they can do. Developmentally, this is perfectly normal, they are frustrated. But don’t allow yourself to fall for the ‘terrible two’s.’ There is nothing terrible about them. By the way, neither Stuart, nor Elliot ever had what one of the “experienced” parents would have called a “temper tantrum.” I guess they just never felt so frustrated!

So the title of this guide is How To Raise Smart, Happy Kids. If raised in a positive environment conducive to allowing a child to thrive mentally which also allows them to thrive physically, they will reach their full potential. Grades suffer when a child comes from a negative environment, saddled down with emotional baggage. Often this individual experiences a sadness which can lead to possible depression, as well as compulsive, compensatory, and/or obsessive behaviors, such as overeating (especially if food was used as a reward), shopaholism, drugs, alcohol, etc. As I said earlier, sometimes it’s more acceptable to go from sad to “bad” as a teen. Juvenile delinquents, and kids bent on crime are not well-adjusted individuals. Better to be feared than pitied. We all know people with “an axe to grind,” or a “chip on their shoulder,” etc. Some people suffering from a negative/destructive childhood or, of course worse yet, a severely abusive childhood, may compensate for feelings of inadequacy by over-eating, over-shopping, etc. The list goes on and on. So positive early years will set the stage for a positive, productive life.

When it comes to toys, I just want to mention some of the interesting ‘toys’ I let Stuart and Elliot play with — or what I used as toys. Well, how ‘bout a roll of aluminum foil? Why not? It’s cheap, it’s shiny, quite beautiful, super malleable, and safe. And don’t forget that cardboard thing at the end of the roll of the foil, that’s fun too! And the really cool part is it’s not really meant for them, it’s a cooking/kitchen thing! So that makes it all the more exciting! Same with a roll of toilet paper! Other things I would give them that I can hardly throw out now, are the yellow and red nets that hold those little cheeses, or in some boxes of cookies, the little plastic thingy that keeps the cookies separate, and the stuff in packages so there will be no breakage (i.e., the white polyurethane ‘peanuts’, the gray foam that keeps computers, and the like safe during transit, etc). Think outside the box! All these things stimulate their minds/imaginations. There are so many ways to teach! I took a notebook, when Stuart was a toddler, and at the top wrote “soft things,” and glued a piece of cotton, then on another page, wrote “hard things,” and glued a rock, etc. It’s fun! You know, sometimes the box is more exciting than the toy — ask any cat! Being an artist, I see excitement in what others may see as mundane. TV Dinner boxes, for example, where they’ve glued it, take it apart, and show it to your kids — very exciting! Alter how you look at the world! Stop being — at least temporarily — such an “adult!” When I would take a walk to a store with Stuart or Elliot, even in their strollers, I would let them feel the texture of the brick wall we were passing by. Buy them a package of plastic cups — cheap! And let them build away! Use your imagination and they’ll use their’s! Also, I personally wouldn’t want TV screens for the kids to look at in the car while driving. Let them look out the window, let them imagine, and dream, and fantasize, and above all — think. If it’s raining, I’d rather have them watch, and observe raindrops on the car windows dripping, and observing the patterns, textures, and colors, etc. T.V. screens command and demand the child’s attention. Again, think outside the box! Stimulate their minds with all different stimuli — music, jazz, classical, read to them some Shakespeare! Why not? Who says you can’t? Awaken their curiosity — that, coupled with a positive reinforcement, no punishment approach, and you’ll have a smart, happy kid!

A child is born an absorbent sponge. They take it all in. Too many parents see parenting as a part-time job. But it’s not. If both parents have to work, that is conveyed to the child. However if, say, a nanny is watching the child, and it hasn’t been properly conveyed to the child that both parents must work, then what is conveyed is they’d rather be somewhere else than with me. This is an important point. Ideally, only someone who loves the child should be their daily caretaker. This is ideal, however, not always possible. Always explain situations. Young children understand more than you think. When things don’t go right, they often blame themselves (i.e. in divorce). Even babies hear inflections, and intonations, loud volume, and soft whispers. Above all, be respectful of your child. Respect their need for approval, security, honesty, warmth, encouragement, praise, acceptance, unconditional love, support, etc., again, never tell them they are bad. Build up, don’t tear down. Respect their brain. Reason with them. Give them credit for having the ability to reason. Don’t tell your children to do something “or else,” there will be a punishment. You don’t want them doing the right thing for the wrong reason!! If I want Johnny not to touch anything in the china shop, all breakable, then I’ll explain why (operative word, “why”) he shouldn’t. As opposed to, “If you touch anything, we’re going home, and you’re going to bed!” So he thinks he’s bad, and feels awful. So unnecessary. He feels clumsy, and not trustworthy. Respect your child as a thinking human being. This is his all important childhood. It’s in your hands. You don’t get a second chance, nor does he. Important thing, childhood. Try not to screw it up! Too many people go to shrinks to undo eighteen years of negativity. With this no punishment, positive-reinforcement approach to child rearing, you can create a positive childhood starting from when they are babies, where they can feel good about themselves, and learn to love life — joie de vivre — and themselves, and enjoy natural highs, the best kind. They will be better equipped to realize their full potential. You are your child’s best friend, confidant, and teacher. Take all opportunities to teach critical thinking. If a dopey commercial comes on TV, before you mute it, maybe discuss why it’s inane. If a teacher says, or does, something objectionable at school, discuss with your child the “whys” of the situation, and possible solutions. (All of this critical thinking helps to increase IQ) In my house, my kids were told teachers do not automatically deserve your respect. Respect must be earned. That includes parents.

Obviously, not all parents can be home to raise their child, but if possible, as I stated earlier, try to enlist someone who loves your child to watch him on a daily basis. I don’t understand the ‘quality time’ notion. It’s as important to be around to put a band-aid on the little ‘boo-boo’, and kiss it, as it is to see little Johnny take his first steps. I did stay home, and considered myself a professional mother. If you don’t spend enough time vetting a caregiver, at the very least, they may have little quality interaction with your child, and, of course, at the very worst, they could be abusive. Remember, mental abuse can affect children physically, and physical abuse can, of course, affect children mentally.

There is no more important job in this world than raising your child. Period. None. It’s easy for the mean, or ignorant, or lazy to just say,”Johnny, eat your carrots, or else.” But it takes more thought, kindness, intellect, and energy to provide a reason to eat the damn carrots. Kids aren’t little soldiers in your army to blindly obey. They are not our pets. If I could, I’d want to reason with my dog — but I can’t. So I have to tell him what I want — albeit kindly! To create a relationship with your child that is predicated on reason, and honesty, respect, and affirmation of their worth as a human being, will come back to you in ways you cannot imagine. Again, life is not ‘a la carte’. You can’t order up a behavior — “don’t do drugs” — it won’t work. You are responsible for the life your child lives for much of its life. Create a positive one so that they won’t want to do drugs in an effort to escape from themselves, or from a life without the necessary coping tools which would allow them to confront life’s challenges. A strong foundation is what you want to build upon, whether it be of brick and mortar, or a human being. Strong foundations allow people to weather life’s storms.

Is all this easy? Easier than you think. Punishing, reprimanding, berating, debasing, all sounds nasty doesn’t it? It’s mentally, and physically exhausting for all involved. What kid deserves this? None. This type of environment produces unhappy, possibly depressed individuals, who are more likely to escape from their pain via drugs, and/or alcohol, and may find themselves rebelling against ‘authority,’ possibly entering into a life of crime, or a downward spiral.

Starting from day one, treat your baby with the respect he deserves. Treat him like the equal he is. Remember, as I stated earlier, even if he can’t understand your words, just like with a dog, they hear your intonations, and inflections, and they feel your respect, and ultimately, your love. This all starts early. One heart truly does feel the other. The choice is up to you. You can create an atmosphere of positiveness, and joy, or one based upon tearing down, one which ultimately — as your child grows — will be adversarial. You like to feel good about yourself, so does your child! Don’t wait ‘till it’s too late. I don’t know if it’s wise to go bail out thirty year old Johnny sent to the big house for grand theft auto, bring him home, and ask him to go in your wallet and bring you a ‘ten’! Maybe, actually, it would! Maybe for the first time in Johnny’s life he’ll think, “wow, mom trusts me!” The point here is, again, start as early as possible to show trust so they will feel trustworthy. Believe in them, and they will believe in themselves. Parenting is a very, very powerful position. You, whoever you are, are reading this guide because you want to do the best for your child — so you’re already off to a great start! Remember as I stated earlier, this isn’t about parental power, that is external. This method of child-rearing is all about empowering your child, that is internal.

So, smart and happy — think outside the box for creative, stimulating ‘toys’, items most people would never consider, or would just throw out as trash. But play is a child’s work. Happy, yes. A positive nurturing childhood is the best start to a life of fulfillment, and happiness. No punishment? Of course not! They’re not bad! Positive reinforcement? Yes, yes, a thousand times yes! It feels so good to be praised!

About me. I have a B.S. degree in Elementary Education with a specialty in TESL from C.W. Post College in New York. I graduated with honors, magna cum laude. But I never taught. I got married to my husband Dave, a dentist — phi beta kappa — while I was working on my master’s degree in reading. I chose to stay home and be a professional mother. It was so much fun! Imagine during the day, going for ice-cream with three year old Stuart, then going to the toy store for Matchbox cars, and sitting on the sidewalk eating our ice-cream together! I loved it! In my heart though, I am an artist. I have my artwork all throughout the house. I look at the world through an artist’s lens. Aesthetics is paramount to me. I am not a writer, never, ever even wanted to be— I’m writing this guide because so many people either loved what I was doing, were curious about what I was doing, or just wanted to know more about how I was raising my two sons. Over the years, so many people said, “Sonja, you should write a book”..or my sons would describe their childhoods, and people would say, “tell your mom to write a book!” They just liked what it looked like I was doing, or had done, but didn’t know how to do it, or where to begin! I can’t tell you how many women I would meet in the supermarket, or the park, etc., that would say to me that they were “climbing the walls”staying home with their children, that they couldn’t wait to speak to an adult. Interestingly, I never felt that way. What’s concerning here is that if the mothers, or fathers, are “climbing the walls” being home with their kids, then, if they’re so bored, guess what? so are the kids. I recall a number of times at the park, where the mothers/fathers would be talking with each other, and not really being attentive, not paying attention to their child. People tried to engage me in talk at the playground — no thanks, I was having too much fun eating the ‘pancakes’ Stuart or Elliot were preparing for me out of sand! So, do exciting things. Dream up ways to challenge, and bond with your kids — go take walks, find a nature trail, or a meadow, take a run on the beach, fly a kite, watch the ocean, be amazed at a sunset together, look at the stars at night, explore something, or just talk. Tap into the child in you! If you’ve lost it, find it again! See the world through your child’s eyes, and see a new world! One of rainbows, and puffy clouds, and Matchbox Cars, and ice-cream, and pancakes made out of sand! Laugh a lot. Take a roll of bubble wrap and see how boredom fades away! Teach concepts — hot, cold, soft, hard. Draw faces, sing songs. Provide them with raw materials so that they can do their work, which we call play. I never used a playpen. I baby-proofed the house so that they could explore their world .

Stuart and Elliot were my equals. Quite frankly, I enjoyed their company more than I did adults. They were more interesting, stimulating, exciting, hilariously funny, certainly cuter than any adult could ever be! The joy of laughing with my kids while building something out of boxes, plastic cups, and aluminum foil — priceless! They really do grow up so quickly. Stuart is in his thirties, and Elliot is in his late twenties. When they tell their friends about their childhood, and their close relationship with me, (they are close with their father also) they all say,”tell your mom she should write a book,” “she should write a book,” OK! So I’m writing! Is this a book?, decidedly not. It’s a guide. It’s based upon my philosophy of child-rearing that I developed for myself. I was present in the same household when my sister was raising her two children, which she did beautifully. This guide and philosophy is not based on what is out there in the child-guide books. This all comes from me, my sensibilities, and my heart. It’s the way I look at the world. As I stated earlier, I never got punished as a child. I was always made to feel good about myself. I had a positive relationship with my parents, and my sister. I knew before I even got married, that a positive, best-friend approach was the way to go when raising kids. Yes, I had a happy childhood, but I can’t say as I recall my mother ever giving me a roll of aluminum foil to play with! No. That’s just me.

So they say the proof is in the pudding. Well, I’ll try not to cry as I describe my two precious and amazing ‘puddings’!

My first son, Stuart, is both brilliant, and is sweet as sugar. Academically, he is off the charts. Perfect score on the verbal SAT’s. Very high score on the math. Graduated high school with an ‘A’ average. Went on to complete not one, but two undergraduate degrees! At his first university, he received a bachelor’s degree in physics, with honors, the highest — summa cum laude. He then went on to earn his second bachelor’s degree from Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, in computer science, again, with the highest honors, summa cum laude. He then earned his Ph.D. in human computer interaction, from the very prestigious Georgia Tech., in Atlanta. He is currently president, and CEO of his own tech. start-up. In the Apple App Store, his product was named as the most innovative app of the year! It’s so cute, I gave Stuart a child’s First Book of Computers when he was around five, now, right next to it displayed on a shelf, is his leather bound Doctoral Thesis on human computer interaction…just something to reflect on. I could go on, and on about Stuart’s achievements, not the least of which are several patents. To say I am proud of Stuart would be an understatement. I love Stuart, and I like him.

My younger son, Elliot, is so very sweet, and absolutely brilliant, with an extraordinary memory! Elliot graduated high school with a 96 average! Among his many academic achievements, in high school he took advanced Spanish, and Latin simultaneously! and was invited to join the Latin Honor Society of America, and got a perfect score on the National Latin Exam, and his SAT score was 1490! Elliot went on to earn his bachelor’s degree in economics from Binghamton University. Then went on to earn a Master’s Degree in applied mathematics from Harvard, yeah, I dropped the ‘H — bomb’! Upon graduation from Harvard, Elliot landed a beautiful job in N.Y.C. as an associate data scientist, and in a short time, was promoted to a full-fledged data scientist, and was earning six figures! Followed by yet another raise shortly thereafter! Elliot is a quick study, always up on the news, financial, political, etc. He is extremely capable, and self-sufficient. As well, I love and like him.

Both Stuart, and Elliot are sooo funny, I mean seriously, late night talk show funny!

Strong work ethics in both my sons, however, I think they still don’t make their beds!

Again, the takeaway is positive reinforcement frees. It allows your children to be all they can be. Both my sons are realizing their full potentials. They are lovable and likable. Punishment, the intentional infliction of pain, cripples. Remember, fear is not the greatest motivator — love is. Love and kindness are. Encourage, nurture, support, trust, praise, minimize the negative, emphasize the positive — these are my mantras. And always remember, you reap what you sow. You’ll get out what you put in, you can’t order a child to respect you — you must earn it, by acting like a respectful friend, not an authoritarian fool. Befriend your child — Stuart, Elliot, and I are best friends. Have their back so that they’ll never be afraid to come to you. Remember if your child is afraid to go to you, he’ll go to someone, or something else. If you suffered through your childhood, break the cycle. Easy? Maybe not. Worth it? Yeah. And remember to laugh. Laugh a lot with your kids, you’ll put joy in their hearts — sometimes it really is the best medicine. It makes life a lot easier when you can laugh easily. Teach your children to laugh.

Before I even was pregnant, I had this fantasy that one day I would lay in the woods with my baby, and just look into his eyes with joy, and wonder…and I did do it! And I couldn’t believe its amazingness! Above all, believe in your children, and they’ll believe in themselves. The possibilities are endless.

And remember, parenting is the most important job in the world.

The hand that rocks the cradle, rules the world -

The child is the father of the man -

Children learn what they’ve lived, then live what they’ve learned -

Love,
Sonja Rizha

P.S. The most delicious pancakes I ever tasted, were made out of sand!